A ROOKIE GUIDE TO SURVIVING A SUPER BOWL PARTY
Sunday Star-News (Wilmington, N.C.)
February 3, 2002
You’ve been this way since childhood, right?
On Sundays, when the roar of afternoon football games filled your living room – along with screaming relatives, beer bottles and bags of chips – you were off in your bedroom, playing with Barbie, reading a book or amusing yourself with Tonka trucks and action figures.
The lure of football just never grabbed you. You never did know the difference between a cornerback and a quarterback (you assume they’re all “tight ends”), and you had no idea a “punt” wasn’t the same thing as a “kick.”
Now today, as your artichoke dip bakes in the oven and you garb yourself in the only piece of football-themed clothing you own (an old UNC vs. N.C. State football T-shirt from your college days), you can’t help but wonder, “Will I fit in at the office Super Bowl party?”
First change your shirt, and then we’ll talk.
Dress code
OK, so we’ve already intimidated you. Sorry about that. But it’s for your own good.
Bit of Advice: Just because your shirt/hat/jacket represents a football team, doesn’t mean it’s appropriate attire for a Super Bowl party. Can’t wear that Jets jersey or Cowboys hat. Neither team is playing in today’s game.
But since we’re on the subject, you have to admit – the dress code is one of the best things about a Super Bowl party. It’s not only permitted, it’s actually encouraged that you wear your finest sweats and sit-around attire.
Remember: This isn’t a brie cheese, jazz on the CD player, let’s play charades soiree. It’s a Velveeta and chili, NFL theme song, mind if I take off my belt football party. Don’t show up in Banana Republic when Fruit of the Loom will do.
Root, root, root for the cute team
Not that dress alone will save you today. (Are we scaring you?) You should know a few football FYIs, or at the very least know how to look as if you know more than you really do.
First things first: Do you know who’s actually playing in the game today? If your answer is “some team in Pennsylvania,” we give you credit for thinking that Philadelphia or Pittsburgh made it this far, but truth be told, both teams perished in last week’s playoff games. Nope. It’s not the Buffalo Bills, either. They’re so 1990s.
Today’s game (Super Bowl XXXVI in New Orleans) pits the New England Patriots against the St. Louis Rams. Or as we like to remember: Red, White, Silver and Blue versus Blue and Gold.
Before you make your way to the party, you may want to decide which team you’re going to pull for in the game. It’s best, of course, to pick the team you identify most with (a hometown or a city you once visited or maybe you had a layover there once and liked the airport hospitality). But it’s possible – well, likely, actually – you won’t have a connection to either team.
While a football smarty may tell you it’s best to pick a team based on its stats and talent, we don’t think it’s a bad thing to pick the team with the hottest quarterback (Rams have the edge with Kurt Warner) or most patriotic logo (uh, this one’s pretty obvious).
Or, if you were always the last one picked in gym class team games, perhaps you want to root for the underdog, which in this case is New England.
Once you pick the team you want to win, focus on gathering as many “feel good” stats about your team and “trash” facts about the opposing team. (Like: “Oh, the Patriots deserve to win – they’ve been to the Super Bowl twice and lost both times,” or “I hate the Patriots! That spoiled backup quarterback Drew Bledsoe has a $100 million contract!”)
The tidbits will come in handy when your co-workers start grilling on why you, a born-and-bred North Carolina boy/girl, is so passionate for a team in New England/St. Louis.
Down to business
Now would be a good time to introduce you to some of the finer points of football – what’s a Red Zone, Screen Pass, Blitz, etc. – but if we tell you, you’re just going to get confused or forget anyway. Believe us. We know. We’ve spent days studying the sport and still can’t get past the fact that these big guys can get penalty flags for “unnecessary roughness.” Isn’t that all football is?
Our time would be better spent helping you fake it.
One of the biggest mistakes non-football fans make while watching the game is focusing on the players. Big no-no – especially since you don’t really know what’s going on anyhow. Focus on the officials, instead.
The guys dressed in black and white stripes have all the answers. You may not be able to tell what the heck is going on when 22 big men are layered on top of the ball. But the official will make a big Y shape with his body if the play is good or swing his arms back and forth if it’s not.
Another good indicator: Before the game begins, scope out your team’s coach and the fans in the stands. When the TV camera shows them smiling, it’s your turn to cheer and whoop. If you can lip-read obscenities or the fans start picking up beer bottles and aiming them at officials’ heads, create your own little scowl.
Bit of Advice: Monitor your reactions. It’s really only appropriate to throw yourself on the ground and pound the floor in anger if A) your team fumbles (drops) the ball and the other team intercepts (grabs it); B) the other team scores; C) the pizza man forgets to bring the chicken wings.
It’s best to monitor your cheering as well. If your team is down 30-0 and it just scores a field goal (that’s worth 3 points), it’s not really the time to scream “In Your Face!” to your co-workers who are pulling for the opposing team. Do your own little quiet jig and save the insults for the second half.
Oh, and that’s another thing. There are four quarters in football that make up two halves. Don’t see “second quarter” and think it’s almost over. That’s a common mistake. Really. It is.
Etc.
Some other little game day tidbits you should know:
* That yellow line on the football field – the one the offensive players keep trying to get past – well, it’s not really on the field. Some smart guy created the line for the TV audience to see how far the team would have to go to get a “first down.”
* If your team has the ball and seems to be doing well and you decide to get up and get another Diet Coke, you may come back and the other team has scored. Don’t ask. It just happens.
* If a red piece of cloth is suddenly on the field, that means one of the coaches threw it out there because he’s mad and he wants to contest a call made by officials. It’s your cue to get up and get another Diet Coke. It can take awhile for the guys in black and white stripes to review the tape. And they always will say the opposite of what really happened.
* If there’s only 2:45 minutes left in the game, don’t start making plans to leave in a few minutes. That’s how much time’s left on the clock, but those few minutes can translate into 20, 30 minutes.
* Wonder what that black makeup is on the players’ faces? Believe it or not, it’s not just there to make them look mean. The “paint” helps reduce the glares from the sun.
And the Band-Aids on their noses? They’re actually nose guards, and they come in a variety of colors and patterns – the most hip these days being the patriotic one. And men say only women care about fashion...
Take 30
Exhausting, isn’t it? How about a break?
Lucky for you, the best thing about the Super Bowl is its commercials. And since you’re lacking on your football knowledge, you can make up for it (and be the entertainment guru of the party) by sharing some fascinating commercial-break trivia with fellow partygoers.
Like, did you know the average 30-second Super Bowl commercial costs the advertiser $2 million?
Or that this year’s commercials will be filled with patriotic themes about heroes and hope?
Here are some other tidbits:
* Digital technology company EDS and car company Volkswagen, which usually have some good, creative commercials (last year, EDS got a lot of attention for its “Running with squirrels” spot), have both decided not to advertise this year during the Super Bowl, instead saving its good stuff for the Winter Olympics. Doritos also has abandoned its big game commercials.
* Fox said it’s a bad year for Super Bowl advertising (not as many dot-com commercials, Winter Olympics competition, recession). Ad rates are down this year from last year (last year a 30-second spot went for about $2.05 million; this year it’s a little below $2 million).
* Web site Monster.com made a reputation and built its brand through a series of well-received Super Bowl ads over the years. They’ll likely be back this year. As will Budweiser (“What are YOU doing?”), Pepsi and Levi’s.
If you find that partygoers are more interested in the commercials than the game, you might suggest they log on to the Internet to (www.superbowl-ads.com, where we got these great tidbits) and watch past Super Bowl commercials.
At the half
Between the commercials and the actual game, you probably won’t be forced into conversation much ... at least until halftime. Then, you may have to give a little football talk.
Just say this: “They (the team with the most points at halftime) sure dominated the first half defensively.” Then excuse yourself to check on the bean dip.
But come back! Halftime can be fun, too. In what has become a bizarre ritual, pop groups rule the halftime show with their lip-synched music and crazy outfits. Last year, we got to make fun of the wacky combination of ‘N Sync and Aerosmith. This year, it’s U2.
Of course, NBC is going to try to pull viewers away from the game with its special airing of Fear Factor – featuring Playboy models in dare devil acts.
But we’d like to think NBC will be scooped by the official halftime Bathroom Break.
Casserole’s burning
So you feel confident? Yeah? Ready to leave the house now to partake in the Party of the Year? You’ve got nothing to fear, really. It’s not as if you’re the one playing in the game, on the field, surrounded by big, taped-up, burly men.
You’ll likely impress your co-workers with your football knowledge. They never knew you were so football-literate. They may just invite you to play in an impromptu touch football game after the big game. . .
And if that happens, well, you’re on your own.